Everywhere But Here
by VanillaSpiders
Summary: After a fight with Logan, Kendall leaves. Everything was different without James, but everything is a catastrophe without Kendall. But Kendall Knight never turns his back on his friends, and he's certainly not starting now. kogan
1. Chapter 1

Title: Everywhere but Here  
Fandom: Big Time Rush  
Pairing: KendallxLogan  
Rating: T  
Warnings: Rated for language, malexmale  
Disclaimer: If I owned this BTR would air on the same channel that hosts _Queer as Folk_. And I'm sure you can guess why.  
Summary: After a heated argument between Kendall and Logan, Kendall leaves suddenly. For being the glue-that-holds-them-together, he's sure doing a crappy job of it. But just because you can't see someone, doesn't mean they're not there. kogan

**Author's Note: At last! My very first (and possibly last) multi-chapter story for these delicious boys and this glorious fandom. I love them so fucking much; it was only a matter of time, even though I'd written off multi-chaps because of time management, or lack thereof.  
_**

_Chapter 1_

It was a Tuesday night that it happened. Most interesting things don't ever happen on Tuesdays, except for this night, when it did. At precisely eleven forty-eight (give or take a few minutes) Logan Mitchell woke up for an abrupt sleep in apartment 2J. It was very quick, and a little bit startling, going from one form of darkness to the other in such a short span of time. His eyes flew open, right into his pillow, and his heart fluttered erratically, as if his body was angry at being woken up so rudely by his mind. His muscles twitched under his covers, slightly.

_Whoa_.

This was not interesting, or even unusual, because lots of people wake up in the middle of the night abruptly from their slumber.

No, the only thing entirely interesting about Logan's problem was he couldn't get _back_ to sleep. Not even a little.

And the other interesting thing was it had been already occurring, you see.

"_Really_…again? …Third time this week." The brunette huffed quietly to himself as he rolled over in his bed, several times, fighting with the comforter as it threatened to strangle his legs. When all his squirming was said and done, Logan found himself on his stomach, staring angrily at his headboard, as if it were the cause of his sudden bout of insomnia.

It wasn't of course, and this only served to make Logan grumpier as the digital clock on his cell phone read eleven fifty. And then twelve fifteen. Twelve thirty. One. Two.

Logan groaned into his pillow, trying to stifle his sounds so he didn't disturb Kendall, who was sleeping one bed over. Logan paused in his insomnia misery for a moment. That's right…Kendall.

Lifting his face from the fluffy pillow, Logan peered into the dark across the room, where Kendall lay. He couldn't see defining features; but Logan knew he was sleeping like he always was. He could picture it perfectly, Kendall, supine under his covers, stretched out to his fullest extent with one arm laying on his stomach and the other at his side. Sometimes, one of his long legs would flop over the side of the bed and if he rolled just right Logan knew the blonde was in danger of falling clear out of his bed because his long leg would drag him down. His head would perfectly positioned on his pillow, his slanted blonde bangs falling back off his forehead and away from his rather large eyebrows. Kendall sort of hated them; but Logan thought they were the sexiest thing on this planet. Logan didn't need any sort of light to see Kendall's face perfectly. It had been the last thing he fell asleep to and generally the first thing he woke up to in the morning.

Aside from Kendall's bushy caterpillars, there was his eyes, hazel and brilliant and sparkling, with a spattering of several shades depending on his mood. Logan liked to think he had seen every shade they could be, from his gentle warm browns he shot lovingly at his family to his livid, wicked green-spattered gaze to anyone who dared cross the tall blonde's path. From his position across the room, Logan could see Kendall's pointed nose lifting to the ceiling, and the distinct bend in it from the two times it had been broken, once during a hockey game and last time during a fight he'd furiously picked with Logan's tormenter back freshman year. Along with his eyebrows, Logan loved that crooked nose. His lips, god, Logan was glad he was lying on his stomach when he thought about those lips of his and the things Kendall could, and had, done with them. With their soft color, Kendall's full bottom lip that often got punctured by his canines whenever he smiled sneakily from a new plan that was sure to get them in trouble. How they curved evenly no matter how he smiled, unlike Logan's own stupid warped smile. Kendall was perfection in human form. James was gorgeous, yeah, but Kendall was…what was it Hawk had called him? The ultimate package? Oh yeah.

All those odd angles, imperfections and bumps and crooks of Kendall's body were as familiar to him as his own-and made him feel worth something for once.

The smaller boy's face grew warm as he thought of his boyfriend. Kendall had that effect on him, turning the boy into a walking, stuttering, lip-licking jumble in a sweater vest and khakis. God, he was such a klutz, he didn't need any more excuses.

But Kendall, him and Kendall didn't just have romance, they had friendship. They'd been best friends since pre-k. Probably before that even, knowing Mama Knight and his own mother. They'd seemed to have a predestined relationship, friendship or otherwise-Logan couldn't honestly recall a time when the cocky leader of Big Time Rush _wasn't_ present in his life on way or other. There was just…Kendall. Then James. Then Carlos.

Logan could even remember meeting James the first day of first grade; he smiled at the memory, thinking back to a time when Kendall was small, and he was well, smaller, and James wasn't such a drama queen and had come up to Logan and offered to play with him the first day.

At first, Kendall had been jealous of James. No, scratch that, Logan thought with a frown. Kendall had been protective of Logan. Kendall had no qualms with sharing the smaller boy-and he loved meeting new people himself. But let someone rough Logan up, just a bit, and Kendall was on them like black on an eye.

Out of anything else to do, and more of reflex than anything, Logan glanced at his phone's screen again.

Four twenty three. _Holy shit…I've been awake all night again! _Suddenly, Logan felt tired. But not a restful tired that indicated sleep was going to come to him soon. _This is the third all night I've done straight! I…I gotta sleep!_

_Well_, Logan thought glumly as he bunkered down under his sheets and tried to persuade his mind to stop spinning, _In any case, I guess one more night of no sleep couldn't do…__**too**__ much damage. _

_What's the worst that could happen? _

Logan's mind, however, did not settle down and let him sleep. In fact, Logan found himself staring at the window across the room and right above Kendall until their clock went off at six a few hours earlier.

When Logan got up and inspected himself in the mirror, he flinched. Oh. Maybe three nights _was_ too much, because the guy staring back at him was all dark circles and sunken eyes and pale skin. And looked dead beat down, too.

_Well, paler than usual, in any case. _Logan stretched one his bottom eye-lids down as he once-d over his reflection. _Bleah. I look like shit. _

"Hey man-_woah_, you look like shit." Kendall poked his head into the bathroom door, flicking his gaze over his boyfriend.

"Thank you, Kendall." Logan snapped over his shoulder, suddenly very irritable over his lack of sleep. "Good morning to you too." The brunette shouldered past Kendall, knocking into the blonde intentionally and continued getting dressed. Kendall grimaced sheepishly, held up his hands in defense and not another word was said between the two.

When they got to Rocque Records, Gustavo threw them into dance practice without even a hello. The only thing he told them was they could expect harmonies for double however long it took them to get the new choreography down this morning.

"So in other words," Kendall said over the groans of his band mates as they slouched into place, "If we take three hours learning these steps we have to spend _six_ _hours_ on harmonies?"

"Yes. SO GET TO WORK!" Gustavo shouted, leaving no room for arguing because he'd slammed Studio B's door into Kendall's face.

Actually, it seemed like no one of the band was very lively that morning, but Logan was certainly the least lively one of them all at this point. He nearly nose-dived several times into the cappuccino he'd gotten on the way to the studio, looking so ill that Kendall kept casting worried side glances at him, checking him over each time for any visible disturbances to pin Logan's fatigue and crankiness on.

This, like everything else in the world at the moment, only served to grate on Logan's nerves even more. Like whenever he got flustered or angry, his sarcastic tongue appeared.

Usually the guys were used to it. They enjoyed it, even, Logan was smart, and when he showed it off they felt proud for getting the shy boy out of his shell.

But as the day wore on, and boy did it wear on; Logan was starting to get angry. And oddly angry, like he felt like he might explode. When he lashed out at Kendall, though, things started going downhill faster than Carlos in a shopping cart slingshot.

"Congratulations, dogs, you did it in four hours. Do you know what that means?"

Kendall opened his mouth to argue, and James and Carlos all clapped their hands over their leader's mouth, fearful of getting more punishment in return for Kendall's attitude.

"_HARMONIES! EIGHT HOURS! NOOOO BREAKS!" _

This time, everyone groaned.

Eight hours later, it was seven thirty at night; Logan felt sweaty and achy, hungry, thirsty and tired all at once. This time, he was pissed enough that he left it show.

This time, Kendall confronted his boyfriend.

"You okay, Logan?"

"Fine." Logan muttered. He sipped his water, and didn't miss those caterpillars bunch up worriedly. Behind him, Logan watched James stretch the kinks out of his back, and tired to focus anywhere but Kendall's hurt gaze.

"Are you sure?" Kendall pressed. Logan's eye squeezed shut in annoyance. He didn't need this right now. He felt trigger happy as it was.

"_Yes_. I'm. _Fine_."

But Kendall persisted. He was only worried, maybe a little over-protective of Logan, but who could blame him, after all? The boy looked like he was going to drop any minute, and that scared Kendall so much more than angry Gustavo breathing down his neck for singing off key.

"Jesus! Kendall, let it go, seriously. It doesn't matter."

"It **does** matter if you're sick, Logan!" Kendall dodged the door Logan almost slammed on him as he left the recording room.

Logan growled and fisted his hands in his hair. "I'm not sick, alright? Fucking hell….leave me alone, Knight." Kendall stopped in his tracks like a stricken puppy.

James and Kendall shot a look of confusions, Kendall's eyes giving away a slight hurt tone.

"I was just asking." Kendall's voice cut through the tension like a whip, his tone stinging Logan's heart. Dammit, this was the last straw.

"Fine. _Fine_. You want to know what's wrong with me?" Suddenly, Logan was ten feet tall and green. He rounded on the tall blonde and stalked at him, shoulders tense. Out of the corner of his eye, Logan saw Carlos place his helmet on his head and edge between James and the wall. His anger spiked from the adrenaline coursing through his system as his mind tried to keep up with his body and movements.

"Lots of things, Knight. We have a concert in _two_ days, I don't have the notes right yet, I don't have the choreography down, I clearly can't get a grip on myself and it'll be all _my_ fault when we get fired because **I** can't do shit!"

Logan's brain flew into over-drive, his vision even spun a bit. He swayed on his feet as fatigue took its toll.

"And even better-I forgot our anniversary didn't I, which was fucking icing on the cake, Kendall, believe me, because while I'm ruining James' dream, I also managed to let the first real relationship I've ever had work out start to go to hell, which was fan-**fucking**-tastic of me, don't you think?" Logan screamed. Three days of sleepless nights and suffering in silence, and no amount of caffeine was going to control Logan or relax him.

"Maybe if we didn't date this wouldn't happen-no, correction! I _know_ it wouldn't happen! We're better off single, Kendall.

"_You're better off not in my life!"_ Logan jabbed Kendall's chest with his finger, his rant ending with aplomb. The statement rang around the walls for several movements.

Kendall's eyes narrowed. "You don't mean that."

Logan stared back, jaw set, eye grim. "I sure as hell do."

For several seconds, the world went still. That must be it, Logan realized, because that was the only explanation for the absolute utter quiet in the room. He was pretty sure no one was breathing. Either Carlos or James had taken a sharp intake of breath when Logan had last spoken, he hadn't seen which, only heard it. Now his other friends were silent and still, eye blown wide and James's mouth slightly parted. Carlos was chewing his bottom lip so hard it looked like he might break skin a minute.

And then there was Kendall, across from him and maybe five inches away, pleading with him, an odd glint in his eyes.

But Logan, tired and cranky and now, actually really mad for no reason at all (and that served to make him madder, actually) remained resolute and stubborn before Kendall.

Kendall stared at Logan, and it dimly dawned on Logan he'd ever seen _this_ color of Kendall's eye before. He looked like he wanted to punch Logan, or cry or grin like it was all a joke. Or do all three things at once.

Logan watched Kendall's emotions flash across his face and almost felt a pang of guilt until, suddenly, Kendall spoke, his voice deeper than usual as he moved past Logan, giving the brunette a wide berth and heading for the studio door.

The blond glanced back, forlornly, at the shocked James and Carlos and, once last time, at Logan, Kendall's gaze pitiful and his head hung low-and, god were those tears in his eyes? Logan's heart sank-Kendall turned way and said one last thing as he left.

"You want me gone? Fine Logie…I'm outta here."


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: Nothing much to say, except the disclaimer. Still don't own BTR. But, hey, here's chapter 2, and so far everything's heading in the right direction. **

_Chapter 2_

James couldn't believe it.

Just like that, Kendall was gone. After Logan blew up at him, (and honestly, he'd never seen Logan do that,) Kendall just up and walked out of the studio. Kendall had never backed down like that before.

"Kendall!" That was Carlos, sprinting out the door and after their leader. Logan stayed rooted to the floor in front of the door, shocked into submission. James stood behind the boy, and watched. Then Logan's shoulders started shaking. He was crying.

That was the one thing that had kept James from getting too frustrated. Kendall was being Kendall, sorting out his feelings in his own way, and James could wait for that. It wasn't easy because James knew all Kendall really wanted to be able to just reach out and hold Logan, but it wasn't exactly hard either, because Logan's erratic and unstable behavior only further convinced James that he would come out and tell Kendall what he wanted eventually.

Probably.

Maybe.

…Actually, Logan had self-disciplined himself to hold things back when he was his normal self, and even when he was in a self-deprecating mood it had taken a whole hell of a lot to first wrench Logan's jaws apart and get him talking about himself.

Now, the onetime Logan _did_ do it, it had back fired into them all, shattering through their friendship and sending spider web cracks even out to the further most of Kendall and Logan's relationships.

Somehow, James and Carlos had gotten caught in the crossfire. Then another thought struck James: what if Kendall had been right and something was wrong with Logan? What if he was acting embarrassed because he really _was _embarrassed about everything that had happened, because he'd blow everything so out of proportion? Logan _was_ looking sick, actually, right now, he was looking very ill, like he wanted to puke.

A yawn tore James out of his thoughts. _Worrying_ wouldn't help anything. So he wouldn't worry.

Why was it so quiet?

James pushed himself up a bit. It wasn't very quiet at all, in truth, but an essential voice was missing from the conversation that had made its way loudly known a minute ago. James immediately became worried.

It wasn't that he was paranoid! He just… wanted to be sure that Logan wasn't getting into trouble and was okay and wasn't standing there ready to blow up again. Yeah! Because Logan was in a volatile and vulnerable state right now! And he had to look out for him when Kendall wasn't around. It was his job.

"Hey, Logie…" He started for Logan, cursing his actions to let Carlos go after Kendall. He walked around, afraid to touch Logan or force him to do anything he didn't want to do.

Logan was stilling crying, tears coming down in rivets now, but he was silent.

James bit his lip. Logan shakily met his gaze, and then dropped them down meekly. "God I…I fucked up, James." His voice was shaky and soft.

"Yeah, you did." Logan flinched. No sense sugar-coating it, that wouldn't help anybody.

And something odd happened. Logan took a deep shuddering breath that was more of a whimper, and his eyes rolled into the back of his and head and his body crumpled to the floor.

James caught the smaller boy, dragging him up and slinging on arm over his shoulder to better prop Logan.

Great.

Kendall was gone; Logan was out cold, and Carlos-

The studio door swung open and broke James out of his mental list he was ticking off. Carlos walked in, slowly and with much less energy than when he had just left. His helmet covered his eyes.

"Did you find-" Carlo's head shook so hard back and forth James feared that his helmet was going to topple clear off the Latino's skull. When Carlos lifted his head, James was shocked to get a good clear view of small tear pricking in the corners of his younger friend's eyes. James swallowed nervously.

"What's wrong with Logan?" Carlos whimpered when he spotted his friend utterly limp and tucked against James's sides.

"He fainted…I guess. Here, help me get him to the couch." With little effort on their part, they did so, draping Logan across the couch in Rocque Records lobby and kneeling down at his side. James stared a Logan's thin frame being swallowed by the cushions, and frowned.

"Hey, Carlos," The Latino turned his gaze to him, "Does Logie look….skinnier than usual to you?"

Carlos squirmed closer to the brunette boy ad taking his hand, threading Logan's pale finger with his own. Now that James mentioned it, Logan did look…smaller…and usual, especially against the black cushions currently trying to suck the skinny boy's body into itself.

What was going **on** with Logie?

"Why did he-did he yell at Kendall?" Carlos asked quietly, as if Logan was going to come awake and yell at him for aksing a question and Carlos didn't dare risk it.

Again, James had no answers.

He wasn't a genius like Logan, he couldn't make impossible plans happen like Kendall, and he didn't have Carlos fail-safe fun loving attitude about the world to brighten his outlook. He was just James Diamond. But Logan was down for the count at the moment, and as badly as James wanted to chase after his headstrong leader, he was also reluctant to leave Logan in this state,

"James?" Asked a timid voice.

And poor Carlos.

The pretty boy heaved himself up from his crouched position by Logan's still form and drew Carlos up as well. He placed his palms on Carlos shoulders and put on his best-trust-me-even-though-I-have-no-idea-what-I'm-doing face.

"Okay, listen Carlitos I know Logan and Kendall got into a fight," Carlos looked pointedly unimpressed, "Okay, a really _huge_ fight, but it's gonna be okay." Now Carlos looked slightly unconvinced at James' speech. He didn't blame him, and okay, maybe James had little (to no) experience with pep talks, and sure James just realized it was so much easier to receive a pop talk then to give one, but really, at least he was trying to pick up the slack.

Carlos broke his gaze from James' determined, confused eyes and went back to Logan again. James knew what that meant; Carlos wanted to leave their smaller friend even less than James did. And that was a lot.

"Carlos, you-" The Latino whipped back up to meet him, eyes wide and desperate. James resolve crumbled. "…stay here. I'll be right back." He didn't have to tell Carlos to keep an eye on Logan; Carlos was already back kneeling by Logan at the foot of the couch and holding his hand again.

James smiled softly, and left, turning down the hall toward the stairs. Then paused. He tried to think. The elevators worked way better here than they did at the Palm Woods, so even though the stairs might have been the first choice for a speedy getaway there, at Rocque Records the elevators were much more reliable and up to code; do they'd be the first route Kendall would take id he wanted to get the hell out of dodge. Kendall probably took them down to the first floor, and then headed past the front desk, he wouldn't have to sign out at the desk either, because they'd all been there so long and the security knew them by now. Then he'd either take home the limo (doubtful since he'd be questioned about being the only one,) walked the eight blocks back, or took a cab. With so many escape routes and a head start on his side, James had a feeling Kendall was already long gone.

So it was really useless to go after someone who didn't want to be found in the first place, the tall brunette reasoned.

But, it was also _*quick glance at his cell phone*_ eight thirty-something at night-and they needed to get back to the Palm Woods before Bitter locked up the front entrance and they couldn't get in. Lock up was at nine. And then they'd have to explain to Mama Knight why her son was inexplicably missing from the group when they finally got up to 2J.

James frowned and groaned out loud to the empty hall, listening to it echo off the walls. He fisted his hands into his closed eyes and rubbed furiously. He hated thinking! All this time and he'd only come up with the obvious answer-get back home. He hadn't solved their missing-Kendall problem or even come close to figuring out how to catch up to him at all.

Heading back the way he came a quick jog, the pretty boy entered Studio B to see Logan sitting groggily up on the couch, leaning against Carlo's side, and looking a bit worse for wear than earlier, and giving off a much more pathetic appearance.

Then James realized Logan and Carlos were both looking over his shoulder, to catch sight of a blonde who he was supposed to have found and talked to and brought back because, well, he was James Diamond and he was supposed to be awesome like that.

Only James wasn't like that, and there was no Kendall behind him and James' heart dropped when Logan shyly glanced at James and flinched.

"Guys, we should head home," Ignoring their utter lack of leader may not have been James's brightest plan, and pushing back problems was bound to turn bad over the course of time, and that was something Kendall actually never condoned.

But Kendall wasn't here, and it was all James could think up in a split second.

'_I know I'm not a-a leader….but I can't let the guys down.' _

"He's right," Logan agreed with more energy than he probably had to spare. The genius blinked rapidly to clear the spot from his vision and stand at the same time, and promptly tumbled over from the exertion of it.

After James dashed clear across the room to catch Logan before he could hit the carpet roughly, Logan simply leaned against James and sighed heavily.

Carlos simply stared at Logan, looking hurt, concerned and slightly angry all at once. It was obvious Carlos wanted to explode with a hundred questions and poke and probe Logan for answers. What had Kendall done wrong anyway? Didn't they love each other anymore? Were they going to end up like Mama Knight and…_Mr. Knight_ had done-divorce and separation and everyone else caught in the middle?

Carlos felt like five year old and stuck in the middle of a parent's fight-but he didn't say anything and he held it in, like he knew he was supposed to.

"_This is all my fault," _Logan whispered, his voice rough with emotion. Tears gathered in the corner of Logan's eyes and he clenched his teeth together to combat the oncoming sobs that threatened to trickle from his throat.

James opened his mouth, taking a breath in to ready himself to talk. But at Logan's face, at his expression, at the way he was currently holding onto James like he would let go and leave Logan at a moment's notice, made him stop and not say anything at all.

And without any other word said between the threesome, they headed home to the Palm Woods, all clambering in and huddling together on one seat in the limo.

The car screeched to halt at nine fifty seven in front of the lobby at the hotel, and even Logan found the energy to sprint alongside James and Carlos as they headed for the front door at a breakneck speed. Bitters had been seconds away from locking the double doors, and that honestly scared the remaining members of Big Time Rush a little more than perhaps it should have. The prospect of having to sleep outside in the bushes or something urged the three to only glare tiredly at the lobby man and head up the stairs to 2J and not even say anything to the man.

It occurred dimly to James, in a voice that sounded suspiciously like Kendall, that they could have asked the grumpy manger if he'd seen Kendall return earlier this evening to the hotel and where he had headed. But that voice was muffled over James' over-worked and aching muscles and his hurting heart, so much that James hardly made it through the front door.

Apartment 2J was silent, the girls of the flat already in bed.

Silently again, and without a backward glance at each other, James and Carlos headed up Swirly to their rooms, while Logan headed down the hall to his and Ken-to his room. He corrected himself in his head.

Even as he undressed and plopped down on top of the comforter, Logan could feel that familiar edge of insomnia creeping up on him and resting behind his eyelids. _'Guess I'm looking forward to another sleepless night…I deserve a hundred of them after what I said to Kendall.' _

'_I deserve a lot worse, too.' _


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N's Notes: Two things: I forgot to mention that the new chapters generally pick up **_**right**_** where the previous chapters left off. So watch out for that. Second, can I just say my reviewers are the **_**awesomest**_** people in the world? Seriously, you guys are so sweet. I love each and every one of you! **

_Chapter 3 _

And what another sleepless night it was. Actually, by the time Logan heard the alarm go off one room over, Logan's insomnia made him feel like he'd had three more awake filled nights instead of just one. Or that he'd been full body tackled by Freight Train maybe. Either way he'd spent half an hour just lying on top of his bed, with his eyes close and his mind whirling. To no avail, sleep did not come. His mind seemed to be running on off own energy source.

Logan's body, however, was in a different state. When he got up this morning he stumbled several times, tried to put his sock on his hand, and nearly broke his neck tripping over Kendall's bed from blurry vision as he dressed as quickly as his fatigue-ridden body would allow. It was hell, basically.

All throughout breakfast, James stuck close by him. "How're you holding up buddy?"

Logan poured himself a glass of orange juice. "Honestly James, I just want to curl up and die. At least that way I'd finally be able to get some sleep." Carlos stared up at him from the table, horrified.

"Die! You can't die Logie!"

"It was just a figure of speech, Carlitos," Logan laughed softly after he took a long drink. He smiled tiredly. "I'm not gonna die. I promise." Carlos went back to his Trix, seemingly satisfied with the answer.

James nodded to Carlos, standing up. "Okay. Let's head to Rocque Records. The sooner we get back-"

"The sooner we can look for Kendall?" Carlos asked hopefully as he followed Logan and James out the door.

"Yup," James popped the 'p.' Logan paused for the Latino to catch up with him, and clapped Carlos' shoulder when he did.

James stopped and wrapped his own arm around Logan, sandwiching him between him and Carlos. "And don't you guys worry-today will go great. I can feel it."

That day was a disaster.

It was James leaving the band all over again-everything was fucked up. Every little insignificant thing affected the boy's performance, from their dance moves to their harmonies. Everything was different without James, but everything was a catastrophe without Kendall. Logan tripped over his own two feet and hit Carlos and James three times each with a failing limb as he tried to balance himself.

It turns out Kendall's voice was the perfect voice to balance out Carlos' slightly erratic range, and without the confidant singing voice James had to sign extra better. Which he thought he was perfectly capable of.

Gustavo suddenly cut the sound off of their mics. "James. That was. THE **WORST** SINGING I HAVE _EVER_ HEARD!" Gustavo, however, begged to differ.

James suffered in his own way at the same time; he constantly lost focus trying to keep watch over Logan and Carlos during rehearsals. Kendall had a full time job watching out for all of them, and James couldn't even properly look after two of his friends, let alone all three of them.

By the time the day ended, everyone was tired and cranky and just wanted to get home so they could fight over the shower and eat junk food.

Needless to say, walking through the door to find a note from Mrs. Knight about a four day trip her and Katie were taking to visit a sick Aunt back home, was not expected at all.

Even less expected was what Carlos pointed out after Logan finished reading them the note.

"Hey guys…do see…uh…" The Latino was glancing every which way, looking utterly lost.

"See what? What is it Carlos?" Logan asked.

"…uh. …_Anything_ of Kendall's? _Any_ where?"

All three boys stood in the doorway, speechless. Nothing, literally nothing of Kendall's was just…lying around as boys tend to do to their things. Not a scrap. His beloved iPod was gone. His cds. None of his clothes or sneakers was lying around with the other boys like usual. Carlos, for whatever reason, ran into the bathroom and came back out saying Kendall's luffa was gone.

Logan swallowed. Or at least he tried to around his suddenly thick throat.

James looked frantically back and forth between the shuddering genius, to Carlos, to room and back to Logan again, unsure of who to address and who to comfort. _'Dammit! I am the worst leader ever!' _He quietly panicked inside.

Meanwhile, Logan panicked on the outside and shakily headed into the bathroom. James had no idea what the smaller brunette was going to do, but if the soft sobs he heard were of any clue, he respectfully backed off and left Logan to himself.

"So…so Kendall's really _gone_?" Carlos' voice broke the heavy silence, but even then the normally boisterous Latino was uncharacteristically speaking at a whisper. James draped an arm over Carlos' shoulder and tugged him closer, trying to comfort the boy and himself with the familiar closeness of his best friend.

"I. I guess so, Carlitos."

As soon as they got home from rehearsals the following day, Carlos, James and Logan immediately set out in search for their missing leader. Their intent was clear. Operation: Find Kendall. And bring him home. They started in the Palm Woods lobby and separated from there. Carlos checked the basement and the first floor, James scoured the second and third, including 2J, and Logan got the fourth, fifth and roof top floor. All three questioned any one they happened to come across in their ventures, but if anyone had seen Kendall before three days ago, they didn't let on.

After asking Buda Bob and getting a rather vacant sounding no, Logan felt like curling up in a hole and crying again.

As it was he simply ambled out to the pool, joining a despondent looking James and Carlos at a table under an open umbrella. The night was falling slowly, the only hint was the cool air ruffling James' long hair occasionally, and the fact most of the swimmers and sunbathers were turned in for the day as the sun disappeared and the temperature dropped. Even though there were some campfires going on in the corners, no one asked the remaining members of Big Time Rush to join them. Probably because these people had already somehow caught wind of Kendall's falling out with the band. Logan only felt his mood worsen.

It was nearly dusk and there was no sign of Kendall, anywhere. No had heard or seen him, or even apparently glimpsed him. Kendall was apparently as good at leaving no impression as he was making one in the first place.

"He's tall, blonde, and he's got those eyebrows! How could anyone _miss_ him!" James threw up his hands exasperatedly. Carlos slumped at the table and Logan simply shrugged, both smaller boys staring at the table with dull eyes.

James caught his friend's expressions and frowned deeper, "Guys," James gripped their shoulders reassuringly, and they glanced up at him at the touch. "Don't worry. He'll show. He's _Kendall_," James stressed the blonde's name.

"And what's his biggest rule?" Logan and Carlos stared back at him, their faces unsure.

"He _never_ turns his back on his friends." James finished.

Logan blinked, looking a bit more with it, at James's words. "You're right James, he wouldn't, would he? I guess, I guess we're just blowing this out of proportion. You're absolutely right, James." Logan looked and sounded so relived.

Carlos brightened considerably also. "Yeah, that's true. Hey, who knows, he's probably really close by right-"

"_I promised I would be there, I swear I'm on my way. I know you may not hear me-" _

Logan, James and Carlos gaped at each other, disbelief mirrored in each expression, eyes wide. They were shocked into silence. They knew that voice. It was coming from the lobby, right behind Logan. That was Kendall. That was Kendall _singing_. Logan's heart rose.

Leaping from their chairs, all three boys rushed back into the lobby, skidding off the pavement into the carpeting and each whipping their heads every which way in an effort to spot their missing leader.

"_-like angels, you were floating to me, and that's how it should be-"_ But despite Kendall's obvious trademark singing voice pouring throughout the lobby, the blonde was nowhere to be sighted.

And then Logan saw it, and his heart dropped to his feet.

On the check-in desk, sat Bitters' radio. Kendall's voice warbled through from the round speaker, soon to be joined by their own voices as the song progressed. _"Cause I don't want to waste another moment, I don't want to pay for things unspoken,"_ James listened to them all sing for a few seconds, then crossed the lobby towards Bitters' desk in determined strides with his long legs.

"_-a shot in the dark, to be where you are__**- CRASH!**_ James solidly shoved the unoffending radio right off the desk and sent it crashing to the floor, effectively silencing it. He glanced back at Logan, whose face had just completely crumpled when the smaller brunette had discovered they'd been misguided so harshly.

'_Of all the songs too, it had to be that one.'_ James thought bitterly.

Logan tore his gaze away from the wretched pieces of the radio, and stared at James, big brown eyes wide and lower lip quivering.

"Logie-" James started back to his friends, hoping to intercept Logan before he did what he thought he would do.

Logan bolted.

Carlos didn't bother chasing after Logan as the brunette sprinted for the stairs upwards. At least this time they knew Logan had only one place to go. And _he_ wouldn't leave them.

Instead he turned back to James and held out his arms for a hug, looking like a lost child.

"C'mere Carlitos," James immediately ushered the boy closer and wrapped him up like Carlos was asking, desperate to be of any help to the lost and shaken Latino.

Carlos, for his part, merely clung to the tall pretty boy and hid against him, feeling small and alone.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: I think it should be mentioned I actually wrote this chapter before chapter 3 was finished. I'm not sure why, and I'm not sure what possessed to work backwards, but all I can say is I really enjoyed this chapter as a whole. And I'm sure you'll figure out why. **

_Chapter 4_

Way up in Apartment 2J, Logan stared into Kendall's drawers, which he'd opened and were mostly empty. What mattered was the important stuff was gone, like his hockey jersey, his favorite pair of jeans and most of his many plaid over-shirts. Logan loved those shirts almost as much as their wearer, and for the brunette to fling open their shared closest and find Kendall's side all but cleaned out, broke Logan's heart.

This. This, Logan realized as his stomach dropped, was his entire fault. Everything. _He_ was to blame for their fight, for Kendall leaving, for Kendall not coming back. That was the most important part, too, Logan knew.

Kendall was. Gone.

Logan paced once across their carpet of the room they once-used-to share, Logan thought bitterly. He plopped down on the first available surface, lips quivering and shoulders shaking. The smart boy dropped his head in his palms, fisting his fingers into his hair, but unlike the gentle gesture Kendall used to use to rake his fingers through Logan's hair to calm the boy, Logan gripped the strands irritably and tugged a bit forcefully. His anger bubbled around in his stomach like lava, and when he hung his head on its own and laid his hands on the comforter underneath him, he clenched the fabric in his hands.

He glanced down at the sloppily made bed and recognized it as Kendall's. Oh.

Kendall's green pillow case, the one that clashed with his blonde hair so perfectly when he slept, the one Logan loved to lie against because it smelled like his once-boyfriend, became a blur, a runny mess of greens and grays as tears welled into Logan's eyes. The warm tears slipped down his cheeks just as Logan stood up and wildly dashed for the door out of their room, throwing it open and rushing around the corner.

Nearly colliding with James out in the hall, Logan clumsily brushed himself past the pretty boy, trying to hide his tears in his sleeve but unable to fit the utterly pathetic croak his voice made.

"Logie, what-" James gaped at the boy.

"I can't do this," Logan all but sobbed, before he made his escape out the door to 2J, slammed it behind him, and was gone, leaving James alone in the fading twilight glow from the Palm Woods pool and the giant peace sign lamp on the wall.

James stared at the entrance to their apartment, his face blank. But his treacherous eyes gave way to a flurry of swarming colors of fear, doubt and anguish.

"Kendall," He called softly to the falling night around him. "We need you."

Above him, he heard the pipes clank, but other than that the flat was silent, void of life.

By the time the elevator had made it halfway down to meet Logan, his mouth was filled with the salty tinge of tears and the gooey mess of snot. The mixture made Logan choke as he tried to collect himself, both bodily and mentally, but when the door dinged open and revealed to be empty, Logan let himself cry harder as he entered the trolley.

Of course no one would be riding the elevator at this time of night-just another sign pointing out to Logan that he was utterly alone. His boyfriend hated him; his friends hated him because he drove away his boyfriend in the first place. He wouldn't be surprised if the pool or the lobby was deserted too.

When Logan finally got down to the first floor, to find out it was indeed, barren of people, he trudged out pool area, flopping down on a lounge chair off to the side under one of the large awnings. Logan stared upward, eye clear of tears finally but his face drying and starting to itch awkwardly from the combined liquids that had streaked down his face.

He sniffled to himself, staring up at the night sky as it fell around him. The lights around the pool were on an automatic timer. Bitters liked to close the lobby and pool and turn into his office early and let the lights go off around midnight. The lights under the water, however, stayed light all night, casting an eerie blue aura around the area. Usually it was comforting, familiar.

Now though, it just seemed eerie to the genius.

As the sky grew darker and the clouds grew sparser, Logan watched idly as some stars peeked out into the night sky.

'_I feel…weird.'_ Logan blinked rapidly, trying to relax his straining eyes. _'That's funny. I think….I think I feel sleepy.'_ The stars flickered in and out like an old film reel, the colors faded and, finally, Logan slept for the first time in days. It was wonderful.

The next thing Logan knew, he was being lifted up. Disoriented, Logan clung to his carrier, who happened to be providing a delicious amount of body heat from him, warding off the cool chill he'd gotten during his impromptu sleep out on the Palm Woods deck. They were still outside, Logan knew that much.

But everything else, including his holder, were messy blobs of black and gray as eyes fought, and failed, to focus in the weak light. The grip this person had on him tightened assuredly when he shivered. The gesture was protective and familiar, and Logan certainly didn't flinch away from the much wanted comfort. Burying his nose into the material on the person's shoulder, Logan squinted a bit and woke enough to recognize a pattern he'd seen on one of James' hoodies once. But he could make out no other features. James's cologne and cuda spray hung around the hoodie, masking another familiar scent Logan was sure he'd smelled before, but was unable to properly recall it with his fogged brain.

"Mhn, hey…James guess what?" Logan sounded like he had mouth full of cotton balls. Really all it was his throat was just dry.

James shifted. "I finally-" Logan yawned, "Finally got some sleep."

James was silent. But then Logan felt like he was moving, he was being carried. Back into the lobby. Into the elevator. Up. Logan fought to stay awake, but invariably blacked out again.

Suddenly Logan was being laid into, something big, soft-oh, his bed. Treating him like glass, Logan assumed it was James who laid the boy carefully down and covered him with his sheets.

And then James was moving away. Logan felt himself tugging on James' sleeve before he could stop himself. "Wait," Logan's vision was jumbled, but he saw the figure had turned back down to him. Logan felt like he was being regarded warmly, and that made Logan fell better.

"M'sorry James. For all this. For everything." Logan's fingers went slack and he let his hand fall from its weak grip on James' hoodie sleeve.

That night, Logan dreamed. And he dreamed, oddly, about Kendall kissing him on his forehead.

Logan woke up the next morning, excited at the prospect of Kendall coming to him in the night. Maybe it wasn't just a dream and had actually happened! When he got up and rushed out to tell James though, his happiness deflated like a balloon. James sat on one of the bar stools, wearing the hoodie Logan remembered him in last night when he'd carried Logan up to bed.

'_So it really was just a dream.'_ James noticed Logan's entrance, and his crestfallen look, and smiled warmly in an attempt to cheer the boy up. _'Well…I may not have Kendall anymore, but I can appreciate the friends I do still have.'_ He thought.

Logan shook his head to clear his thoughts, before heading past James to the bathroom to take his morning shower.

"Mornin', Loges," James greeted amiably, looking chipper.

"Hey James, listen, about last night, thanks for carrying my ass back up here, I know I was probably heavy," Logan grinned sheepishly as he passed the pretty boy. "But thanks, man. R-really." Growing embarrassed and feeling his face get hot, Logan stuttered his thanks out again and quickly retreated to the bathroom.

He completely missed James's innocently confused look, or the tone in which he tentatively said to the closed door.

"You're…welcome?"

To everyone's relief, the next day was Saturday. No need to visit Rocque Records. And that was the last place any of the guys wanted to go anyway. Gustavo was gonna pop an artery the next time one of them goofed something up-and without their leader, it was inevitably bound to happen.

Actually, they all just really wanted to do their own thing. Logan wanted to work on homework-no one stopped him. Carlos was off doing…Carlos-like things, the important part was he hadn't asked James to come along, so the brunette was the only one left with no plans for the day.

And that angered James, for two reasons. The first one was; well, duh! He didn't want to be alone. Especially without Kendall. Which brought him to the second reason.

"Logan-we still haven't found Kendall. And you're just going to sit there and do nothing?" James asked incredulously, throwing his arms up at the genius as he curled up on the couch.

"I'm not doing nothing James, I'm reading." Logan said quietly.

James made a scoffing noise in the back of his throat, feeling a little bit angry at his friend's sudden lack of energy when it came to finding their missing best friend.

He turned his attention to the swirly slide, watching Carlos come down it with apparent glee on his face. In any other circumstance, James would have been proud to see Carlos acting cheerful, when in fact he had nothing cheerful to feel about.

But this only served to fuel his irritableness to sudden angry. Here they were; one man down, and Logan and Carlos were, what? Reading and playing fucking _games_. James felt his anger bubble in his stomach like lava.

"Carlos! What the fuck dude?" Both Logan and Carlos snapped up to look at James, shock registering on each of their faces. Carlos clumsily picked himself up from the floor, trying to collect himself under James's angry hazel eyes. James hardly ever got _angry_ at any one.

There was only one person who ever effectively combated James' real anger; and he wasn't here right now.

"Kendall's missing-no, he's gone, he's _been_ gone for two days now, and you're what-just going to give up on him? Stop trying to get him back! We need him! Did you guys stop looking for _me_ this easily when I left!" James towered over Carlos, Logan got to this feet.

"Ja-" Logan tried.

"Well, did you?" James snapped at Logan now, glaring.

"My god, if I had known it was this easy to leave you guys behind…_THEN I DON'T BLAME KENDALL FOR LEAVING!"_

The words were ripped from his mouth before he could think about them. Turning on his heel, the tall teen swept out the door, slamming it behind him just because the sound made him feel better.

And then James just stood awkwardly in the quiet hall, waiting in front of the elevator doors.

He knew he had blown up back there, and that he shouldn't have. _'I can't do any-damn-thing right as leader, can I?'_ James shifted in front of the elevator doors, then jabbed the down arrow three times, each stab with his finger growing angrier.

He planned to head down to the gym-maybe the pool, basically anywhere in the Palm Woods where he could cool down before returning to Logan and Carlos. _'They didn't need that. That was the last thing they needed. …I really fucking suck.'_ James thought miserably.

The stupid elevator still hadn't come after over five minutes of waiting, so James turned away from it, disgust on his features, and faced the stair doors, heading for them, only for Carlos to suddenly leap out in front of him after sprinting clear down the hall at him. The Latino was breathing hard through his nose after running at full tilt, like he did when he was scared, and his eyes were wide and round with sadness and hurt. James felt awful for putting that expression into Carlos' eyes.

But at the same time James knew he was still angry. He would only continue to keep saying things he regretted if he stuck around in the apartment. Going down the lobby and chilling was the best plan at the moment. For everyone.

"Carlos-Carlos, get out of my way." James rubbed his temple, trying to pass by the stockier boy. Carlos only weaved into his way, stopping James in his tracks. His big chocolate eyes were watery and pleading.

"No! I won't." The Latino suddenly spread his arms wide, James stared Carlos, shocked by his defiance. At first his exasperation turned to anger at Carlos' stubbornness. What, did he honestly think he could hold James back? James was six one, and built from working out in the hotel's gym. He had several inches and at least as many pounds on him, if not more. It was like putting Logan up against James.

But Logan wasn't as confident as Carlos, who seemed to have inherited their leader's trademark doggedness. James started toward Carlos, sticking his arms out but clearly reluctant to actually manhandle his best friend.

"Carlos-" But James's exasperated tone, coupled with his eye roll, seemed to be the teen last straw.

"YOU CAN'T LEAVE!" James startled at this, confused. "You _can't_! This whole thing is stupid!"

And then the pretty boy saw it. Saw Carlos' biting his lower lip hard enough to puncture it, his slightly trembling body as Carlos fought not to cry in front of his friend, but at the same time desperate to get his feelings across and prevent James from leaving.

"You already left once-but that was different. You can't go now. You can't-we need you, James, Please." Carlos begged, drawing in his arms and pulling his helmet tighter down over his ears, eye shining with determination beneath the helmet's brim. James stared back at him, his face swirling with emotions and his lips set tightly.

James blinked, parting his lips into a gentle 'o'. Now he got it.

'_Of course, my words before I walked out-I'll be it sounded like I was leaving just like Kendall had. Only out of anger this time. Leaving as in, I wouldn't be coming back.' _

Several seconds past between the two.

The elevator door suddenly dinged and opened quietly behind James, who looked over his shoulder at it, then back at Carlos. The sudden fear that crossed Carlos' face confirmed James' thoughts.

He turned away from both doors that offered him a chance to put his past behind him, and stepped toward Carlos, wrapping him up in a quick reassuring hug. "I need you to, Carlitos." James spoke softly against Carlos shoulder, where he currently rested his head. Carlos eagerly returned the brotherly gesture, holding onto James tightly; as if afraid he might change his mind and suddenly leave.

With no passengers, the elevator doors dinged faintly and shut behind them both.

"M'sorry Carlitos. This time **I** fucked up."

'_Huh. James feels thinner.'_ Carlos thought absentmindedly. "It's okay James. I'm sorry too."

James unfolded his arm from around Carlos, slightly confused. "Why are you sorry?"

Carlos shrugged automatically, enjoying the weight of James' wide palms resting companionably on his shoulders. "Dunno. I just feel bad…y'know? I miss Kendall."

"Well, don't," James quickly assured. "I mean, you can miss Kendall all you want. But whatever you do, don't blame yourself. We don't need two Logans."

Carlos nodded empathically, mirroring the small smile on James' face. "Okay."

James felt his spirits lifted at the trust he saw in the Latino's eyes. _'Maybe I can do this after all.'_ He thought.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I just want to touch base real quick that I have no experience with writing Jarlos. I have more experience sky-diving than I do writing that pairing, but I've got to admit, last chapter was by far my favorite, based wholly on the fact of the interactions I wrote between James and Carlitos. Now, a little insight on our favorite Latino on this whole situation. Also, t has been raining all fucking weekend and I'm thoroughly pissed about the choice of weather here. **

_Chapter 5 _

Carlos was worried.

Well, he was actually a mixture of embarrassment and worry and a tad bit scared right out of his wits, having rushed off and leaving Logan alone for so long. He hadn't thought about that at the time, only desperate to stop James from leaving, like Kendall had done. And all Logan had done was stand there, looking small and ready to cry again. He hated seeing Logie cry, so maybe that was one of the reasons Carlos had rushed off, for a selfish reason. But Carlos had found James and stopped (and thank god for that stupid slow elevator,) and now everything was almost okay again.

But still, that didn't quell the bubble of worry in Carlos' stomach as he and James rushed back at a walk slash run to 2J for their smaller friend.

Not that he imagined the boy capable of harming himself; but it was his and James' job to look after Logan now. If anything happened to Logie, it would be their fault.

So when he and James headed back to 2J and found the apartment empty, Carlos panicked, just a bit.

Until James suggested one or both of them text Logan to find out where he was. And if he didn't answer his phone, (which he usually did) _then_ they could panic.

Oh. Carlos hadn't thought of that.

"_Hey Logie, where'd you go? –J"_

"_LOGIE! :P We miss u come back?-C"_

Three minutes and fifteen seconds later, (Carlos had timed Logan's response on the microwave) both boy's cell phones buzzed sheepishly. James and Carlos rushed to grab their phones and accidently grabbed each other's in the flurry. It didn't matter, the text had been sent to both of them.

"_Just checkin around some more. Will be back later tonight, PROMISE. –L"_

Suddenly James got another text. _"You were right. We did give up too easily. -L"_

He and Carlos shared a knowing look, and knew no amount of begging would make Logan rush back to them. Besides, it wasn't very late; they could totally wait up for a few more hours for their genius to return, and if he wasn't back by eleven _then_ they were going out to get him and would panic some more.

"We could watch a movie. Wanna watch a movie, Carlitos?" James offered, his voice more subdued than normal. James raked a hand through his hair, completely shifting his precious bangs every which way. He did not fix them. The nickname was comfortable and warm coming from James, and Carlos was eager to oblige, popcorn was even made.

At eleven o four, Logan returned to the flat, the skin under his eyes looking bruised, and Carlos thought for a second he'd gotten in a fight.

"Hey man," Logan addressed Carlos. James had fallen asleep somewhere between Harry faced the Basilisk and where the credits rolled. They were still rolling, Carlos' shoulder was sort of trapped under James' head and the smaller boy couldn't reach the remote.

"Hey Logie!" Carlos chirped happily, causing the slumbering tan boy against him to shift a bit and mumble something unintelligible.

"Wow, James never falls asleep before us," Logan commented as he sat on the other side of the Latino, taking a handful of popcorn from the bowl that was offered to him.

"I know. Usually it's you. Or me."

"Usually it's James carrying one of us to bed," Logan offered with his crooked grin. Carlos nodded.

There was a moment of comfortable silence, during which Carlos watched the credits roll by on the screen and Logan munched some popcorn, and James simply slept on, until Carlos cautiously picked at a topic he'd been wanting to bring up to Logan for a while now. At least since yesterday, actually.

"Hey Logan?" The smaller brunette in question turned his attention to the Latino. "Does James look…I don't know," Carlos dropped his voice to a whisper so that Logan had to lean forward to catch the next words from the boy's mouth. "… _old_ to you?" Carlos spoke the words in a hushed whisper, as if fearing James would wake up and beat him over the head with the remote if he heard Carlos ever suggesting such a thing.

As it was, Logan's head whipped up to inspect James with a sweeping gaze. Carlos registered the familiar look of Logan's eye glaze into what they called 'doctor mode,' and felt himself relax. Logan would know what was wrong with James.

Logan could see it, actually. Well, it wasn't so much that their pretty boy looked aged, as he did appear utterly dog-tired. James looked like Logan felt.

"He does. But as for why…well, he looks stressed Carlos." _'And I don't blame him. This has been hard…on all of us.'_

"If I can't sleep I can only imagine how well James is sleeping at night." Logan thought out loud as he closed the space between him and the slumbering pretty boy a little bit more. He stared at the dark pair of indentations circling under James eyes, the way his elegantly curved eyebrows were stretched taught across his brow, even in slumber. Most of all was the dusted look James' normally shiny hair held. Strands of chocolate hair were lackluster and clustered, and flopped into his face. He looked like he hadn't even combed it, let along washed it or slathered his millions of hair lotion into it every morning as was his custom.

One thing was for sure, the ozone layer above James' head was certainly getting a break because of all this.

"He tosses a lot. And sighs deeply." Logan glanced at the Latino. Carlos shrugged one shoulder. "I'm awake sometimes, so I hear it." Carlos fidgeted. "Actually, I'm awake a lot of times lately."

Logan nodded, feeling horrible.

A pregnant pause, during which all three boys were rather silent, one for a different reason than the other.

"_Logie_!" Carlos suddenly wailed, causing the smaller boy to jump. Carlos flung his arms around Logan's waist from behind and buried his nose in the boy's violet cardigan. "I just want everything normal again! _I want Kendall back!" _The Latino croaked.

Logan felt a shudder run through his body at his friend's distress and hung his head. Neither boy saw their taller friend stir slowly.

"I-I do too, C-Carlitos…" Logan all but sobbed.

Another pair of arms-longer and stronger-folded around them to the best of their abilities and held them securely against James. Carlos whimpered and wiggled closer to Logan's side and curl up into James. Somehow, James managed to hold onto both of them, and they clutched desperately back at him in return.

"It's okay guys. It's okay." Logan sniffed pathetically into James' shoulder and hid there for a few seconds, swallowing tears. James spent the next couple of minutes just talking soothingly to his friends, simultaneously trying to get Logan to cry and let it out, and also trying to get Carlos to stop bawling like a baby.

After a few moments, Logan collected himself and pulled back from James, who blinked sleepily at him. "James…"

"Hm?"

"Sorry, man. For everything, you were right." James nodded, accepting the apology without any further ado from the smaller boy.

Carlos was still resting his head in James left shoulder, and hadn't moved. It took a minute of confusion between Logan and James to realize where the gentle snoring sounds were coming from.

"Dude-Carlos is conked out."

"He said he hasn't been sleeping well…" Logan stood up and bent down to the coffee table to gather the empty cans of pop and the popcorn bowl.

"I know. I hear him." James shifted his hold on Carlos and hefted the younger boy into his arms.

"He hears you too, James. …You gotta get sleep. It's affecting your health." Logan tossed the remaining kernels into the trash.

The taller boy scoffed. "You're one to talk. Logan," James sighed, "Just don't…don't wear yourself like last time. I swear to God if you pass out again I'll be right there with you." Logan smiled at the worry lacing James' deep voice. James was only worried about him. Logan knew the feeling.

"Hey," Both boys paused by the window next to the orange couch. "Look, it's raining," Logan pointed out quietly.

And so it was. The steady lines of rain signaled the temperature dropping as it down poured, but nothing like the chilly sleet Minnesota offered. The rain cast an ethereal glow around the city lights behind the window, in front of them in LA.

"Los Angles. Where the stars shine bright, even in the rain." Logan spoke softly in the hush of the falling rain.

"C'mon guys. Let's go to bed." James ushered them up Swirly with all the insistence of a mother hen.

It was not planned for all of them to collapse together on Kendall's bed in his and Logan's room. But somehow that's what happened. First James was sitting cross-legged on their missing leader's bed, and then he was resting against the head board in the middle of the single, and then Carlos was curled up on his right side, and Logan watched them doze for a minute, noting how much more relaxed they looked.

Then he flicked off the overhead light, and laid himself in the crook of James' arm. The tan boy responded by curling that arm around Logan's shoulders. James sighed contentedly, but didn't say anything. If you can't beat them, join them. Logan reasoned to himself.

Somehow, they all fit like that, clinging to one another as the rain fell outside, making promises of washing away the pain, but not actually doing anything to help them. Midnight crept upon them, and snuck by the remaining members of Big Time Rush.

Logan thought his friends were dead asleep until Carlos' small voice broke the hushed sounds of the rain falling with a soft question. "You guys don't think Kendall's out in this, do you?"

James felt Logan shift on his other side, and he tightened his grasp on the boy as reassuringly as possible.

After a pause in which Logan held tighter to James, the tan boy answered Carlos question. "No, no he's not Carlos. Think about it-this is Kendall we're talking about. He's way too smart to be hanging out in the rain."

There was a short pause in which Carlos seemed to be considering James' answer. "Yeah. Kendall is smart. …'cept when he's really pissed. Like that one time in sixth grade when Matt Gray gave Logie a black eye. Remember that Logan?"

"Unfortunately."

"I hated that guy when he threw my lucky comb into the pond." James recalled.

"I hated that guy when he threw _me_ in the pond!" Logan quipped.

"But yeah-remember when Kendall found out Logan? Remember what he did?"Carlos sounded eager, out of all of them, Kendall had been somewhat idolized when they were little by the Latino. Out of all of them, Kendall hadn't changed enough to say so when they grew up. He just got taller like James, and his voice got deeper, and these bushy eyebrows came out of nowhere that were apparently a family trait of some kind.

"_Ohhh_ yep, I do." Logan hissed appreciatively. "Kendall got up during lunch and punched _him_ right in front of two lunch monitors. Got detention for two weeks."

"…and then he broke his nose too I thought?" James asked.

"No that was Ronnie Wilkins. Kendall broke his nose and then pushed him down a flight of stairs for making me and Carlos eat mud in the fourth grade."

"It had a weird texture-but it wasn't too bad."

"Carlos! _Gross_!"

"What? It tasted better than the worms James dared me to eat!"

"_Dude_!"

They continued like this for a few more hours, swapping stories, and trading memories and refreshing some and forgetting others. One thing never changed, they were all about the four of them, together.

Logan sucked in precious air, trying to stop laughing so his cheek would stop hurting. But the image of poor Kendall nearly get run over by the elderly Mrs. Magikowski's lawnmower that was being operated by a very startled James who had no clue what he was doing sent Logan into more peals of laughter. Through tear-glazed eyes he stared at the ceiling above Kendall's bed. Then he narrowed his chocolate brown eyes.

"Hey, hey look, I can see some of Kendall's glow in the dark stars he brought with him." Even though it was pitch black, Logan still held his arm straight out into the air, pointing upward.

"Oh yeah, didn't he get those, like, when he was born? I always remember them in his room back in Minnesota." James paused thinking, "Like…I can't remember him _not_ having them, you know?"

Logan nodded. "The day we moved to the Palm Woods I helped him put them up. We just stuck them every which way, and Kendall said that was good enough because the sticky tack was so old he wasn't sure they would hold much longer."

"Well no wonder, look at them, they barely glow anymore." James reasoned.

"Logan? Do they make a picture?" Logan looked over across James' dark chest to see Carlos' own black shaped-head bob up, craning to see something.

"Uhm…they didn't when we first put them up. They're so old…they hardly have any light more. Hang on," Logan carefully extracted himself from the blankets and James. "Lemme get a flashlight."

"Turn on the light?" James suggested.

"No-the stars are so old they're almost the exact color of the ceiling tiles, you can't see them in the daylight unless you know what you're looking for." Logan answered, digging around his bedside table for the modest flashlight he kept in there. His toe stubbed something hard under his bed, and he cursed a bit but shoved it aside and quickly returned to the space next to James. The smaller brunette lay on his back and pressed the round button of the flashlight.

The flashlight flickered on with a careful twitch-its beam of light was true and it hit several small stars up on the ceiling tiles. But every star led to another one, and then another. James and Carlos helped Logan by pointing out directions the stars were going in.

It all seemed so sporadic, until suddenly it didn't.

Logan ran the flashlight over the stars several times, trying to effectively illuminate all of them at once in an effort to decipher the blocky picture that apparently had been made recently. But the stars were so old they barely kept up their glow long enough for Logan to make it across the two foot expanse of the ceiling that was covered by the stars.

Finally, Kendall's glow-in-the-dark stars were finally giving off their own green shining light for more than a few seconds. Collectively all three boys drew in a breath of raw surprise and shock as the light the stars were casting made them melt together, and the picture became clear to them.

And they made a clear shape of heart, with smaller stars in the center of heart, crudely spelling out two letters.

_K_. And _L_.

"Where the stars shine bright…" James quoted quietly near Logan's right ear.

"Even in the rain." Logan finished.


End file.
